When quarantined started, it ripped everyone’s routines out from under them.
But what was going on with singles? Were people still trying to date during all this?
You bet they were…
And the dating disasters were better than ever…
Like what happened with my friend Jenna.
About two weeks before quarantine, my friend Jenna had been flirting with some guys online.
There was this one guy she was really into.
He was a great texter. Super responsive and charming. Pretty good looking from his photos too.
She was so excited to meet him.
She always had a shit eating grin on her face when she was texting him.
This was early stages of quarantine.
Everyone was really freaking out, but there was a secret dating loophole for Dallas singles.
The Katy Trail
Daters could get a to-go coffee and walk the Katy Trail for “exercise.”
Turns out, Jenna and I were jogging the trail when her crush texts her…
“OMG” she says.
“He’s out here with his dog!”
I can see the excitement on her face. She’s giddy.
And she’ making me excited too.
I for one, love this kind of stuff. The awkward first meetings… the puppy dog eyes… watching two people talk to each other when they just start flirting and have no idea what to say.
I was stoked to watch this all go down and make fun of Jenna later.
I’m scouring the trail looking for this guy.
I’d seen pictures so i had a decent idea of what he looked like.
Then I hear the words that still give me a chill…
“That’s him. Diana. That’s him. Right there. RIGHT There. RIGHT THERE WITH THE GERMAN SHEPHARD.
I’m looking everywhere.
Where? WHERE? I see no one. Just some fat middle aged guy with a GERMAN…
OMG SHE’S BEEN CATFISHED.
RUN..
That’s my deep down gut reaction
A real, in the flesh CATFISH.
This has never happened to me before, and I’m looking at her for her reaction because it’s her thing and I really don’t know what to do.
He looks at least 10 years older, 50 or so pounds heavier, and just NOTHING like his pictures.
I’m feeling that nervous panic that comes over you when you’re trying to hide in a meeting at work because you’re unprepared but your name gets called anyway.
As I’m lifting my hands to give Jenna a full push and get the heck out of there I hear that traitorous woman say
“HI!”
Okay, I’m telling myself. Okay, no big deal. So she’s been catfished.
Maybe he has a great personality?
Maybe he just gained this weight in the past couple months and he is actually pretty young and just the weight makes him look older.
Anyway, it’s not your date Diana. This can be fun. This is going to be hilarious situation to watch. What is she going to do in this situation?
Okay, now I’m getting motivated again.
I cannot wait to watch how she handles this.
Wow, I’m kinda starting to laugh inside right now.
This could not have been a better night for me… first hand awkwardness RIGHT BEFORE MY…
That’s when it happens
Her date is moving towards my right.
Yet wait…
What’s happening??
What is she doing??
JENNA FALLS IN LINE ON MY LEFT…
I’m looking at her… waiting for her to say something. ANYTHING.
ANYTHING.. A N Y T H I N G.
Silence.
Just silence as she slinks behind my shoulder so her date can’t even really see her.
Then I hear a voice ask
“So hey Brandon, Jenna tells me you travel a lot for sales…”
Wait, that’s my voice. MY VOICE. Stop voice… don’t do it… please I’m beggining y…
He begins…
“Everyday. Had months of trips booked before quarantine. MONTHS. So much money I had on hotels and flights. Thirty thousand? More. So much money! Just got the word to cancel my hotels. I was booked for Hawaii. You know what the worst part about quarantine is, all the free miles I’m going to lose since my company was paying for everything. Since I’m so high up now, I’m doing really well you know, they pay for everything, I don’t have to pay for anything, and I get so much free stuff, I was on my way to Hawaii next. Hawaii’s amazing. You should check it out…
There it is again.
Is that my voice? DIANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING… Stop being nice. STOP IT.
“Oh that’s great. What do you like about Hawaii? I lived for three years when I was playing college volleyba…
YEAH if you go, check out Maui, you’ll love the food, you really have to get out to hawaii
Yes, I lived there so I’ve spent a lot of time on Ohau and Maui –
If you go to Hawaii go to this place… they have a lot of dancers, you’ll love it, you’ll never experience anything else like it
The polanesian cultural center…
It has dancers, it’s on the north shore.
Yes it’s called the PCC, it was run by my college
You’ll be blown away you have to go sometime. Man, you have to get to Hawaii. It’s going to change your life if you make it out there..
YES it was cool living there for THREE YEARS
The islanders though are really unfriendly. They will rough you up.
What part of the island is that you say where you were roughed up?
On Maui. Even Oahu. They don’t like tourists. You have to be so careful. When you surf. They really don’t like that you are in their territory.
So you were on the West side of Oahu surfing where the hardcore locals live then?
Yeah they will beat you up downtown in Waikiki
I have no idea what you are talking about unless you are talking about the West side of Oahu…
Yeah and there’s nothing you can do, they just come after you. They just hate all white peop…
“Ughhhhh,” I’m thinking. People like this really do exist. I’m trying to make excuses for why this guy is so arrogant and talking over me and cannot seem have a normal conversation. Maybe he’s just nervous. Maybe this is the first date of his life… but no excuse is making up for this guy’s personality.
At this point I’m looking for ways to injure myself so I can hobble home.
I’m thinking “hmm that’ tree root looks like a good place to roll my ankle.”
“Oh, maybe I can slip on that puddle on the bridge there”
Jenna still has not said a single word.
She’s hiding quietly on my left shoulder like she’s Helen Keller and clearly shouldn’t say anything because she’s deaf and dumb.
Then it gets better…
“By Friday Corona is going to hit 7,000 cases.”
This was maybe the second week of quarantine.
I said something like… Aren’t we at 1,000 now?
“Yes but just watch. We are doubling, tripling everyday.”
Ummm were are you getting that information?
You’ll see. This is inside stuff. I’m connected.
I’m fighting so hard to keep my eyes from rolling I have an eye twitch now verging on seizure levels.
I compliment his dog to change the topic and ask about his dog’s personality.
Oh he’s smart alright. So smart. Smartest dog you’ll meet.
Jenna says her first words…
I have this cat…
Yeah my dog is just so smart. Figured out immediately how to wake me up and get what he wants
The cats name is…
And my dog will sit their patiently, waiting to get treats while you are gone. I’m pretty sure he can do tricks too, I haven’t really tried anything yet but I can just tell he’s smarter than everyone’s dogs.
I fall back at this point because my friend duties are fulfilled. Actually Jenna has just maxed out my lifetime favors to her. What I’m saying is she already owes me for the rest of her life for other stuff, but this, this is the final straw. Anything I want, I now can ask for.
Because if this were my date, I would have left already.
But oh wait, it’s not, IT’S JENNA’S THAT BIOTCH.
I pretend I’m tying my shoe so they can move ahead of me and Jenna can go fend off the stunning conversationalist I’ve been dealing with.
Jenna doesn’t move.
She stays glued to my side.
Which leads me to decide tomorrow’s quarantine plans.
Kill JENNA.
I take action.
I spring up.
I begin a speedwalking pace so brisk it can only be described as “I have to pee now, sorry can’t slow down… can’t hold it… actually already peeing so can’t stay and talk “
I can see our turn off just meters ahead.
I feel euphoria rising in my chest.
It’s like when you’ve been waiting for your food at the restaurant for 45 minutes and you can see your waitress picking up your plate to bring to the table and the happiness that fills you is just so wonderful you could cry.
Hey, Brandon, great to meet you this is our stop OKay BYEEEEEE.
I grab Jennas traitorous arm and yank her off the street.
As soon as we are up the stairs, off the trail, and out of earshot
I wave my hands around and yell
YOU EFFING BIOTCH (Insert real swear words)
Ha! you are good.
REAL GOOD.
“Whatttt” she says? Giving me that shit eating grin again.
“I didn’t know he was going to be a catfish!”
Oh, I’m sorry Jenna, you didn’t want to talk to the catfish?
She’s laughing.
Oh poor little Jenna didn’t want to have to talk to the guy she told to meet her out on the trail because SHE’D been flirting with him all week…
Is that right JENNA????
I’m looking at her like, is this how the other half lives?
The other half of people who when something doesn’t go their way think
“Ohhh I don’t really like what’s happening… hey friend, friend, I’ll just leave this here for you …
She’s laughing harder now.
I’m just waiting for the next TRAP.
“Oh hey Diana thanks for meeting for dinner… btw one of the guys I met online is coming too.. Oh look that’s him…OH MY GOD IT’S A CATFISH!!
“Mark this is Diana… “
“You guys catch up I’m going to run to the bathroom…”
You just really can’t trust single people nowadays.
Am I right?
Looking back… there’s only one thing that could have saved us back there since obviously Jenna wasn’t saving ANYBODY.
And if I hadn’t been so stunned by Jenna’s non action, my brain cells might have done me a solid and actually come up with a way out in the moment.
Here’s the only line we really needed to say before taking off into the run we should have taken the first time.
Hi… Brandon! So glad to see you out here. We didn’t realize it was going to be so busy out here and we really want to follow the rules so sorry but SIX FEET OF DISTANCE! Still looking forward to tomorrow though.
Text you later.
BYEEEEE
That was my moment and I blew it.
The only time I’d ever really think…
THANK GOD FOR SIX FEET Of SOCIAL DISTANCE.