I signed up for an NPC Bikini Contest with Just 11 Weeks to Train… Here’s What Happened
on March 6, 2020
I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was 4 am show day.
I’d made it…
I’d completed a dramatic physique transformation in just under 11 weeks.
I hardly recognized myself.
My arms looked like the chiseled statue of a greek goddess.
The clothes I wore just three months ago were in the donation bin and I was two sizes smaller than the smallest jeans I’d ever worn.
In just a few hours I’d be under the bright lights of the stage…
displaying the best body of my life.
If you’ve ever wondered what it takes to get fitness model lean…
Keep reading.
You’re about to see how I went from zero to fitness competitor in a few short weeks.
“Years of sitting at a desk had left me with a butt that looked like a loaf of bread that sunk in the oven.”
Firstly, I’d never been to a bikini show…
( I highly recommend it by the way).
It wasn’t exactly something I considered within my wheelhouse.
I definitely did not have a bikini look.
You know the one I’m talking about…
LEAN…
SEXY…
Straight out of the pages of a magazine.
That was not me.
I’d only had two looks my whole life:
Thick…
And skinny fat.
My body was curve less.
My butt also looked like a loaf of bread sunk in the oven.
It was a family gift.
No butts and no eyebrows (I started penciling them in when I was 12 years old).
But after years as an athlete (two as a professional beach volleyball player), this was downright embarrassing.
So when I saw a picture of a bartender in her early 20s competing in fitness shows, I wanted what she had.
She looked lean, strong, and super sexy.
I kept thinking, “why can’t I look like that?”
Was she really putting in more work than I had as a high school, college, and professional athlete all these years?
I needed her secrets.
So I called a local bodybuilding coach my friends had posted about on the gram.
“Hi, I’m interested in doing a bikini contest asap and I had some questions about how this works.”
Her name was Karen. She was warm and friendly and told me what to expect.
Basically, eleven weeks wasn’t enough time in her opinion to really hit major transformation goals, but if I was dedicated she said I could see some big changes.
I was ready.
I had spent my whole life wanting to reach a certain weight and look.
I’d recently made the decision to stop playing volleyball competitively after a recurring shoulder injury wouldn’t heal.
What better time than now?
Karen told me we would pick a contest date and then I’d need to sign papers.
Every four weeks she’d send me a weight program and nutrition plan.
Once a week I’d send her photos and my weight.
Her price also included two in person posing sessions so I could practice how to walk and turn on stage for the bikini show.
She had two other contestants going to the 2017 Ultimate Grand Prix in Ft. Lauderdale October 14th.
Before we could start she needed photos (and payment).
I hung up the phone, took these photos… what I call my skinny fat, pan flat butt, days…
And sent her $750 to get started.
SEVEN FIFTY?!
My friends thought that was crazy.
I actually thought it was pretty reasonable.
After years of shelling out big bucks for unexpected items…
A $1000 deductible on my car when it had a tire blowout…
$850 for a scan and five minutes of a doctor’s time at a preventative visit..
$1200 to fly home and see my brother’s wedding.
It felt good to put money into something for me.
Before I could start, I had one last volleyball tournament to play.
The next day I flew to Paris
I was headed to Switzerland for my last volleyball tournament before I hung it up for the summer.
The plan was to start the diet and training when I came back.
While I was gone I ate normally. I didn’t try and watch my food at all before I got my new plan. I drank hot chocolate and ate sausages and cheeses in France, Germany, and Switzerland.
Here’s a pic from the tourney in St. Moritz.
Day 1 back:
I got my official plan by email.
The jet lag was killing me but I headed to the gym.
The workouts Karen sent covered the next four weeks. It was four days of arm and leg day splits plus a fifth day, Wednesday, being a bodyweight workout to burn extra calories. Saturday was just cardio and Sunday was a day off.
Most of the workouts were supersets of 2 to 3 exercises for 4 sets of 12 – 20.
Superset means you perform at least two exercises back to back. For these exercises I took no rest in between.
If I went as fast as I could, I could finish the weights in 60 to 75 minutes, followed by 30 minutes of cardio on a stair stepper or 45 minutes of uphill walking with lunges and a jog here and there.
Food was six meals a day. About 25 grams of protein at each meal. Carbs at the first three meals and after working out. Last two meals just protein and veggies.
I noticed right away the calories were too low for the volume of working out I was doing. So I added about 500 calories… mostly in the form of fat.
At first, I didn’t think anything of the super low calories. A coach wouldn’t give me it if it would hurt my weight loss goals right?
I soon learned this cookie-cutter type of approach is very common in the fitness industry for coaches who may have too many clients or lack the knowledge to create custom plans.
How could I have known? I was new to this world.
What I discovered was the higher level coaches create a custom plan for you specific to your metabolism. Each week I let them know if I’m struggling on the plan or if I’m hating the workouts and they adjust them for me. That’s what a real one on one bikini competition prep should look like.
But that’s a topic for another time. Back to my contest prep as they call it.
The first month was exciting
I saw huge changes in my body. I had not been lifting weights or doing cardio for months leading up to this program, so my body reacted quickly.
I was having fun and loving the dramatic changes.
Month two the program was similar except my calories dropped. The calories seemed laughably small so I continued to keep them higher than my coach recommended.
The workouts were now taking me about 90 minutes to complete.
Plus, my cardio increased, so I was doing about 45 min a day six days a week on the stair master.
My body handled it fine for the next three weeks.
At a total of seven weeks of training pretty high volume and eating clean I had only lost three pounds on the scale, but had dropped more than two pants sizes.
And
here is what I looked like…
That’s what I call body recomposition. I had gained muscle and lost fat in all the right areas.
I had my first ever photo shoot with the well-known photographer Justin Price at Delray Beach.
I was loving my body.
I didn’t have a chiseled six pack, but my booty was perky and I felt proud when I looked in the mirror.
Everywhere I went people stopped and asked me how I got this look.
Things were going good.
And that’s when everything changed
By week eight, I went from feeling energetic and satisfied with my food to ravenously hungry.
I felt like something inside me broke.
All I could think about was food and suddenly working out seemed to take a herculean effort.
I was exhausted.
I later learned this is pretty common when body fat gets too low, or in my case calories were too low for the volume of working out I was doing.
The last two weeks included twice a day cardio to try and kickstart my already tired body into losing weight again.
I was now at 90 minutes of cardio plus 90 minutes of high volume lifting.
And my calories were cut again.
Here I am at this point:
The 9th week I had to travel for work.
Right before I left, I started binging heavily.
I must have eaten more than 10,000 extra calories in just a few days.
My stomach ballooned in response to all the carbs, sodium, and influx of calories.
Thankfully, I got right back to basics to try and get the bloating and whatever fat I put on down.
During my final or PEAK WEEK period, I sucked it up and followed the exact program for the last 7 days.
My food was 1/3 cup of oatmeal plus egg whites for breakfast.
The rest of the day was just protein with no other carbs, almost no fats, and very little vegetables.
My calories were LOW. I don’t even want to do the math it’s so embarrassing. My diet was basically protein and asparagus five to six meals a day for 7 days. Thankfully, it was just a week. And you can do anything for a week in my opinion.
I kept telling myself “Nothing lasts forever… this will be over soon.”
That week I was working from home on my couch. I didn’t have the mental energy to talk to coworkers. The slightest confrontation could have brought me to a total meltdown.
But I survived.
I was also given a plan to increase my water intake heavily through Friday and take Expel to push water out of my system.
I followed the plan to a T!
My body bounced right back.
I couldn’t wait until stage day.
But I never expected what happened next…
Friday Night
I checked in at the show in the evening.
I’ve just had my first coat of spray tan.
I stopped drinking water at 3 pm to get that tight shredded look that’s supposed to happen after water depletion.
Show day arrives
I was up at 4:30 am for hair and makeup and second spray tan before stepping on stage.
Whoops…
The hair and makeup people were late. It took them an extra hour to get to the show putting us all behind.
Then the power went off in that section of the building…
The makeup artists did their thing despite sharing two outlets.
I got my second layer of tan and then wait around to hit the stage.
I asked my coach if I needed to eat carbs or pump up back stage because every one else is doing it.
She told me, “No, no, you’re good the way you are now. You don’t need anything.”
It’s Not a Skeleton Contest
If you ever wonder what you look like when you are dehydrated, look at those two photos.
I went through prejudging looking like that. Like a skeleton actually. I didn’t know at the time that without salt, carbs and water, your skin looks loose and flabby. I looked less lean than I really was because of the water depletion.
Finally… I hit the stage
I did my routine and then the judges called us by number to compare our physiques to other competitors.
This was the prejudging where the judges decide who wins the show.
We would come back at night to get our medals if we placed.
After pre-juding most competitors start eating.
The waiting area is full of every kind of donut and treat you can imagine so the contestants can indulge in their favorite treats once they finish.
I decided I was going to eat too.
While the other women backstage were super friendly and handing out treats they’d brought, I couldn’t accept any.
I have celiacs disease meaning I can’t eat anything with gluten. So I brought all the foods I would want to eat after the show.
I started sampling my gluten free cupcakes and Reece’s peanut butter cups.
And something crazy happened.
My skin started to look tighter.
I started to look leaner and better.
Not as good as I had a few days ago, but at least the skeleton look was less and my shoulders looked round and athletic.
I was having fun again.
By the time finals came I was relaxed.
My friends were all watching and I got out and did my thing.
While I didn’t expect to place, I took second in the novice division.
I was over the moon.
I couldn’t believe I had done it.
This single show started a transformation that would stretch to every part of my life.
Over the next two years I learned everything I could about eating and lifting weights to shape my perfect body.
More importantly, I learned a simpler way to get lean, a way that would protect my body from the binging and post-diet weight gain I experienced with the first show.
Two years later I stepped on stage again rocking a whole new kind of physique… complete with a butt so big and round the judges said it was too big for the women I was competing against.
When I look back, I wish that I would have taken the leap to start a bikini contest sooner.
Even though I followed a cookie-cutter program and I did a million things wrong my first time around, it got me on the path to discovering the simple secrets for long term body transformation.
If you’re interested in starting a transformation of your own, Check out my brand new book Three Weeks to Thin: The Emergency Fat Loss Diet.
It gives you everything you need to know to reach your ideal body weight.
I think you’ll be amazed at what you’re capable of.
To your best body,
Diana
P.S. Wonder what you’ll look like one month from now? Six months from now? And two years down the road?
It’s all inside my new book. Get a copy free here for a limited time.
How to Grow a Rap Video Butt (or at least make it look big like that temporarily). Full Workout Below
on February 10, 2021The other day I published my 2nd Youtube video.
I’ve avoided making Youtube videos for years because well, I look as beginner as I am.
My voice likes to crack like a teenage boy going through puberty…
My camera skills are on the low end of the beginner spectrum…
And I just never made any, so therefore, I never made any.
Funny how that works.
But, the time for being chicken has come to an end and I am now making Youtube videos.
So you’re welcome for getting to hear my beautiful voice and see my beautiful face in action today.
Today’s video has to do with BRO TALK.
I used to wonder why so many guys were in the gym 6pm Friday. Until I saw them out later in their tight t-shirts showing off their pumped up guns and saying things like:
“Power shrugs for shower hugs.”
“Bent over rows before bent over hoes.”
“More plates for dates.”
and the one we are working with today:
“GLUTES FOR THE SLUTES.”
Of course glutes are for the slutes, because again, that involves working parts of the legs.
In this case, SLUTE meaning any woman that wants her butt to look ready for a rap video audition,
We’re going to use the same principle as the BROS, but in the bootay.
And just like the Friday night bros, you can temporarily pump your glutes to look a size or two bigger than normal.
I learned this trick from my coach Paul Revelia, fouder of Team Pro Physique while competing at the NPC National Shows in 2020.
The NPC is the National Physiqe Committee and is the most competitive amateur bodybuilding association you can participate in.
Going pro in the NPC for bikini doesn’t happen by accident. I should know. I placed top 10 at 4 National Shows last year, placing as high as 5th, but never took the overall to take my card home.
If your glutes don’t look full and round, you have no chance of placing, let alone getting your Pro Card. So we followed a pretty set program to make them look full and round on stage.
How did we do it?
I’ve put together the full workout in this video.
It’s a simple circuit you can use up to 24 hours in advance.
Because when you work your glute muscles hard enough, they will temporarily become inflamed and swell as your body works to recover from the workout.
Result? Big, round, and juicy bootay.
You can also use this workout to grow your glutes on a regular basis. Push yourself harder each week for 3 weeks then on the fourth, do half as many reps with heavier weight to give yourself a little bit of a break.
You could either add more weights, or add more reps to the exercises to increase the intensity.
It’s all in the video below.
Check it out!
P.S. Drop a comment with your best bro line. I love how creative guys are.
P.P.S. Get your questions answered in my next post by dropping them in the comments.
Until next time…
Adventurewizzyyyy
If You Take Your Pants Off… They will Come… And other Stories from the Caprock Canyon Trail
on September 18, 2020“You two are going alone?!”
“The whole rest of the way?”
Albert looked at us like we had rocks where our brains were supposed to be.
And maybe we did…
Because over the next 13 hours we would cry…
Pray to the rain gods…
Question our sanity…
Swear…
Question our life choices…
And wonder why the hell we signed up for this??
This by the way…. is a story of three idiots
I hope you’re wondering by now…
How we got to an obscure hike in North East Texas called Caprock Canyon in the first place.
Some of your questions might include:
- 64.5 miles in 47 hours… are you guys nuts??
- Why not go tubing for Memorial Day?
- Was that even a trail?
- Who hikes in North Texas?
- Is there even anything to see out there???
- Why didn’t you guys ride bikes?
I know because these are the questions that went through my mind during the hours of 9pm and 1 am, hiking blindly through a sandstorm with only the light of our headlamps inches in front of us to keep us going.
Here’s a little blurb to really put you in the mood of how our hike started
Waiting in the car for the rain to pass
Me… still optimistic and clueless about the night ahead
It started over Torchy’s Tacos
It was May 11th and it was the first open patio day I’d had since Quarona as call it began in March.
My friend’s Emily and Tucker invited me out for some tacos and bonding.
Tucker was talking about a state park up North.
The canyons sounded gorgeous.
And the pictures he showed were equally breathtaking.
Beautiful red rock canyons… herds of buffalo roaming freely.
Being from Alaska, I was intrigued. And it was old Indian territory.
This was my chance to see the Wild West for real.
“If you do the whole thing, it’s 64.5 miles start to finish. I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time.”
“Just can’t find anyone to go with.”
I heard some idiot chime in…
“I’d do that.”
I’m looking at Emily
Her lips aren’t moving.
Dianaaaaaa…
Dont you do it. DONT YOU DO IT!
Diana!!! He said SIXTY FIVE. Not 6 point 5!
This, I’ll have you know, is the secret to most of my accomplishments.
Complete lack of understanding and utter delusion for what I’ve signed up for.
I figured, hey, if Tucker can do the whole hike, I can.
Oh the IRONY…
That is not at all how this story turns out… as you will soon see.
Tucker texted me the next day asking what dates I could do the hike and I thought to myself
Really….
How bad could it be?
I decided to asks the experts…
So I went straight to Google and started reading reviews:
- “My husband and I (both in our 60s) prepared for what we thought would be a really fun experience… you know what they say, the best laid plans.”
- “Lots of mosquitos… SO MANY mosquitos.. OH GOD THE MOSQUITOS”
- “Lower leg protection…. is a MUST”
UMMMM…
My mind is running wild imagining Texas bugs…
snakes…
ants…
Imagine sleeping on a pile of frisky fire ants
While a scorpion makes a nest in your pillow and a group of black windows shelters under your tent.
That’s where my brain is going.
Then of course there’s the mosquitos.
Oh GAWD what have I signed up for?
That’s when I read this little gem
“BRING YOUR OWN WATER”
Right now my brain is thinking things like
“How can I get the water into Tucker’s pack without him knowing about it?”
“Is there a donkey I can hire for all my stuff?”
“Maybe I can just be support crew and not do any of this…”
Problem #2…
I’m looking at the map…
If we are walking 64.5 miles one way
How the eff are we getting back?
I’ve told Ana about the hike and she is as equally delusional as I am.
She has agreed to go.
Murphy? Who is Murphy? And What is this law??
Tucker drove ahead and dropped two gallons of water every 10 to 17 miles.
We were suppoed to drive 5 hours to the start of Caprock Canyon, pick up Tucker (he left his truck there) and drive an hour to the end of the trail and start the hike. We’d do at least 10 miles the first night and then two 10 mile sections each day.
We each had to carry all our food and water as well as a sleeping pad and anything else we wanted.
Tucker would bring the tent.
By this point, I felt prepared… and even a little excited.
We were ready for this!
HORSESH*T
It’s mid afternoon Day 2.
And miserable hardly describes it.
Here’s a picture of us about 15 minutes before I lost my mind.
Now you have to understand, the night before, we didn’t even start hiking until 9 pm.
That’s because Ana and I may have been a WEEEEEE bit late leaving Dallas (shhhh we had to stop for snacks and we’re girls so we got sidetracked driving out there).
The first night we made it 12 miles.
This was through a sandstorm so blinding, we could see just inches in front of our feet with headlamps.
The winds got up to 40 miles an hour.
We could hear tree branches breaking near by.
But since we couldn’t see anything, we had no idea just how bad it was. Or how close those branches were to landing on us.
That being said, night hiking this last section of the Caprock Trail at night was awesome (remember, we hiked the trail in reverse, leaving all the pretty stuff for the very end…)
Because you can’t see all the farmland you are hiking through.
We didn’t sleep much… Because we wanted to beat the heat…HA
The next morning, we woke up to a beautiful sunrise…
And Tucker’s Sun Salutations.
Rather than sleep on the side of the railway path (um SPIDERS), we found a bridge and set up there.
We looked out ahead in the morning and saw…
FARMLAND
Miles and miles of farmland.
Thank the maker the Canyons were coming up in the next leg of the trip.
Back to my story of dying…
I have no idea what the temperature was.
Somewhere around 95 degrees.
No wind. No Breeze. No shelter.
Just Heat.
AND BUGS.
So I took my pants off
In fact, for a little there…
I took everything off.
Boots… shirt… pants…
It was just me, the mosquitos, my flip flops and my thong, wandering around looking for a breeze.
I felt like we were sitting Indian style in the middle of a volcano.
All I could think was…
NO WONDER THE GOVERNMENT GAVE THIS LAND AWAY FREE!!!
After wandering aimlessly in my thong for a bit
I found the most beautiful thing I’d seen all day
Shelter!!
A real life outhouse with an awning and cement base.
I went back for Tucker and Ana and we settled down to nap through the hottest part of the day.
And then the eeriest thing happened
Ana and I woke up and turned to each other at the exact same time.
That’s when we looked down.
He was thick…
And multicolored.
His neon legs seemed to move a million miles an hour.
Like a demon possessed he disappeared into Ana’s bag.
We screamed, rolled away and looked blankly at each other.
This huge freaking centipede just crawled his way into Ana’s bag!!
What would you do in this situation?
I thought of a few things given the circumstances:
- We could burn the bag… it was Ana’s afterall.
- We could trick Tucker into opening it… another solid strategy.
- Or we could throw it in Tucker’s direction, scream, and see what he does.
All good options.
We did what any sensible person would do…
KICKED everything we owned into the woods
Luckily (for Tucker)
The centipede slithered out immediately.
That’s when we decided to eff sleeping during the day and just get to the halfway mark as fast as possible.
Because if you’re going to be hot and miserable, you might as well be moving.
Melting Gummies… 95 degree heat… blisters… An outhouse and 14 miles to go in Day 1!!
The next 10 miles really were beautiful…
And besides the heat, it was actually pretty cool.
We were having fun!
Except Tucker…
Tucker’s feet look like flesh eating Amoebas had babies… and those babies had babies
We guess it’s a combination of his heavy pack, cotton socks, and his boots.
ORRRR
His body’s absolute resistance to hiking in 100 degree weather
And that brings us back to the hottest part of the day…
THE LAST 10 miles BEFORE THE TURKEY HOTEL
Tucker is limping at this point.
His blisters are so bad, I’m afraid if we stop, we will never get started again.
By the time we hit the last few meters to the Turkey Hotel, it’s after 6 pm and we can see a nasty storm coming right behind us.
Where the eff was this cool weather 10 hours ago??
We’ve Officially Arrived at the Halfway Point
It hailed all night so we got a room and hot showers at the Turkey Hotel.
Tucker got pork slider’s, the only food available at the hotel. I got the usual gluten free option — gas station snacks.
Tucker is done for.
He lost too much skin to walk anymore. So he became our support crew.
And Ana and I are now faced with finishing this hike on our own.
That’s when Ana and I had our most delusional idea yet:
HOW FAST DO YOU THINK WE CAN DO THE LAST HALF?!
This was Tucker’s idea after all…
And if he couldn’t be with us to finish it…
We decided we’d speed through the last 32.5 miles.
“You need anything… anything at all you can call us anytime while you are out there,” Albert, the manager of the Turkey Hotel said.
“Oh wait, except it’s memorial day…”
“And no one’s going to be here.”
“I’m kidding… I’m kidding.”
Ana and I looked at each other with the kind of eyes you make when you are hangry…
And someone just bit into a Cuban sandwich in front of you even though they know you are gluten-free and are an hour’s drive away from food you can eat.
(The sandwich thing is a true story btw. Andy Roof you know who you are.)
We’ll be fine…
It’s gonna be fineeeeeeeee.
Here’s a quick summary of how that went
First 6 miles…
Wow that went by so fast! And it’s so pretty out here…
This is going to be easy!!
Second leg of 9 miles…
Okay so this is just three hours. No big deal. Three easy hours!
3 miles into second section … Okay, only six more to go stay focused. Keep moving.
Wow… the Indians took white women settlers captive out here by hiding in the bushes and ambushing travelers???
At this point, both Ana and I had gone silent.
She was probably looping the song “Feeling good, like I should” in her head, trying to trick herself into believing it.
I was now playing full movies in my mind to get me through mile after mile.
I was half way through Dumb and Dumber when we saw it.
The start of the
LAST 17.5!!!
That’s when it really hits us!
OH GOD
OH GOD WHAT WERE WE THINKING
PLEASE LORD let this be FINISHED
I THINK A RASH HAS FORMED BETWEEN MY BUTTCHEEKS…
YES, it has DEFINITELY formed AND ITS RUBBING TOGETHER
WHO INVENTED THIS GOD FORSAKEN HIKE
By this point we’ve broken the last 17 miles into 2 phases
The first 8 – This is where the Batcave (or poop cave if you want to call it by it’s most predominant feature) is and where it really gets beautiful.
And the last 9
Ana and I were both carrying between 20 and 35lb packs.
Hiking as fast as we could we were moving about 3 miles an hour.
So we’d already been hiking more than eleven hours practically straight.
We stopped for just minutes to drink water or take a five minute break.
I hated stopping because we had blisters and rashes everywhere now. It took me hours to forget about them and everytime we stopped, we had to go through the pain of getting started again.
And then it happened…
I didn’t think we were quite done yet.
But all that was left after leaving the canyons was farmland taking you back to a lot where you could leave your car.
I turned to Ana and said,
“It won’t hurt your pride if we skip the last mile of farmland right?!”
“NOPE”
We raced toward the truck.
My legs are so stiff at the point I’m not even sure my knees are bending anymore.
That’s when Tucker gets all excited and yells
“LAST TWO MILES!!! KEEP GOING”
Ana and I once again mind meld in this moment…
So eerie how we do that
And with a single nod to each other agree to kill Tucker after the hike (and dinner of course).
We can’t quit now. He’s just too excited to see us finish.
We race by him as he holds out Pedialyte to us.
Under our breath, we mutter something about that Pedialyte bottle better be full of Reeces or we are going to throw it in his face.
Hey, we were a little cranky alright!
All I’m thinking about right now (besides Reeces Peanut Butter Cups) is how wonderful a hot plate of fajitas is going to taste.
All the rice… all the beans…
As we pick up the pace we hear Tucker shout behind us…
“SORRY FOR THE FALSE HOPE”
Who parks their truck two miles from the trail’s end anyway???
At this point Ana and I are moving on pure Adrenaline
Last 2 miles… last 2 miles… last 2 miles…
With one mile left to go…
We just start running…
FASTER FASTER FASTER
Anything to not feel the stiffness of walking
I forgot to mention…
On this endless hike through mostly farmland and one great section of Canyon…
We got this warning:
I just want y’all to know, the only time in 65 miles we saw a single soul was during the two hour stretch I took my pants off.
That’s right, if you take your pants off…
I digress…
Two miles went by so fast…
They were so beautiful
JUST KIDDING.
These last two miles the rain finally caught up with us.
There was something magical that happened though.
We started at 9 pm less than 48 hours ago on a double rainbow..
And we ended at 8 pm… on the very same thing.
And then Tucker redeemed himself
Oh yeah…
About that Mexican food
It was CLOSED
In fact, because we were in the middle of nowhere, by the time we picked up Ana’s car and drove to a town with food…
Everything was CLOSED.
You’d be surprised just how good Taco Bell tastes after two days of beef jerky, protein bars, and gas station popcorn.
We got home near 2 am that night.
With these little beauties…
And spent the next day doing this…
And this…
Tucker wants to go back and finish the full thing.
Any takers?? Drop a comment on this blog and I’ll send him your info.
Cause Ana and I will be sleeping at the Turkey Hotel, waiting for y’all to arrive.
Even better, we will be eating at the Mexican Restaurant so we can tell you how it was in case it’s closed by the time you get there.
Until the next Adventure…
Stay salty my friends.
P.S. Caprock Canyons has many day hikes through the actual Canyons. You can ride horses through it, take ATVS, bike, or just hoof it around.
And if you’re really crazy, you can try the whole 64.5 mile Caprock Canyon trailway.
P.P.S. There was supposed to be a river. It must have dried up.
When quarantined started, it ripped everyone’s routines out from under them.
But what was going on with singles? Were people still trying to date during all this?
You bet they were…
And the dating disasters were better than ever…
Like what happened with my friend Jenna.
About two weeks before quarantine, my friend Jenna had been flirting with some guys online.
There was this one guy she was really into.
He was a great texter. Super responsive and charming. Pretty good looking from his photos too.
She was so excited to meet him.
She always had a shit eating grin on her face when she was texting him.
This was early stages of quarantine.
Everyone was really freaking out, but there was a secret dating loophole for Dallas singles.
The Katy Trail
Daters could get a to-go coffee and walk the Katy Trail for “exercise.”
Turns out, Jenna and I were jogging the trail when her crush texts her…
“OMG” she says.
“He’s out here with his dog!”
I can see the excitement on her face. She’s giddy.
And she’ making me excited too.
I for one, love this kind of stuff. The awkward first meetings… the puppy dog eyes… watching two people talk to each other when they just start flirting and have no idea what to say.
I was stoked to watch this all go down and make fun of Jenna later.
I’m scouring the trail looking for this guy.
I’d seen pictures so i had a decent idea of what he looked like.
Then I hear the words that still give me a chill…
“That’s him. Diana. That’s him. Right there. RIGHT There. RIGHT THERE WITH THE GERMAN SHEPHARD.
I’m looking everywhere.
Where? WHERE? I see no one. Just some fat middle aged guy with a GERMAN…
OMG SHE’S BEEN CATFISHED.
RUN..
That’s my deep down gut reaction
A real, in the flesh CATFISH.
This has never happened to me before, and I’m looking at her for her reaction because it’s her thing and I really don’t know what to do.
He looks at least 10 years older, 50 or so pounds heavier, and just NOTHING like his pictures.
I’m feeling that nervous panic that comes over you when you’re trying to hide in a meeting at work because you’re unprepared but your name gets called anyway.
As I’m lifting my hands to give Jenna a full push and get the heck out of there I hear that traitorous woman say
“HI!”
Okay, I’m telling myself. Okay, no big deal. So she’s been catfished.
Maybe he has a great personality?
Maybe he just gained this weight in the past couple months and he is actually pretty young and just the weight makes him look older.
Anyway, it’s not your date Diana. This can be fun. This is going to be hilarious situation to watch. What is she going to do in this situation?
Okay, now I’m getting motivated again.
I cannot wait to watch how she handles this.
Wow, I’m kinda starting to laugh inside right now.
This could not have been a better night for me… first hand awkwardness RIGHT BEFORE MY…
That’s when it happens
Her date is moving towards my right.
Yet wait…
What’s happening??
What is she doing??
JENNA FALLS IN LINE ON MY LEFT…
I’m looking at her… waiting for her to say something. ANYTHING.
ANYTHING.. A N Y T H I N G.
Silence.
Just silence as she slinks behind my shoulder so her date can’t even really see her.
Then I hear a voice ask
“So hey Brandon, Jenna tells me you travel a lot for sales…”
Wait, that’s my voice. MY VOICE. Stop voice… don’t do it… please I’m beggining y…
He begins…
“Everyday. Had months of trips booked before quarantine. MONTHS. So much money I had on hotels and flights. Thirty thousand? More. So much money! Just got the word to cancel my hotels. I was booked for Hawaii. You know what the worst part about quarantine is, all the free miles I’m going to lose since my company was paying for everything. Since I’m so high up now, I’m doing really well you know, they pay for everything, I don’t have to pay for anything, and I get so much free stuff, I was on my way to Hawaii next. Hawaii’s amazing. You should check it out…
There it is again.
Is that my voice? DIANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING… Stop being nice. STOP IT.
“Oh that’s great. What do you like about Hawaii? I lived for three years when I was playing college volleyba…
YEAH if you go, check out Maui, you’ll love the food, you really have to get out to hawaii
Yes, I lived there so I’ve spent a lot of time on Ohau and Maui –
If you go to Hawaii go to this place… they have a lot of dancers, you’ll love it, you’ll never experience anything else like it
The polanesian cultural center…
It has dancers, it’s on the north shore.
Yes it’s called the PCC, it was run by my college
You’ll be blown away you have to go sometime. Man, you have to get to Hawaii. It’s going to change your life if you make it out there..
YES it was cool living there for THREE YEARS
The islanders though are really unfriendly. They will rough you up.
What part of the island is that you say where you were roughed up?
On Maui. Even Oahu. They don’t like tourists. You have to be so careful. When you surf. They really don’t like that you are in their territory.
So you were on the West side of Oahu surfing where the hardcore locals live then?
Yeah they will beat you up downtown in Waikiki
I have no idea what you are talking about unless you are talking about the West side of Oahu…
Yeah and there’s nothing you can do, they just come after you. They just hate all white peop…
“Ughhhhh,” I’m thinking. People like this really do exist. I’m trying to make excuses for why this guy is so arrogant and talking over me and cannot seem have a normal conversation. Maybe he’s just nervous. Maybe this is the first date of his life… but no excuse is making up for this guy’s personality.
At this point I’m looking for ways to injure myself so I can hobble home.
I’m thinking “hmm that’ tree root looks like a good place to roll my ankle.”
“Oh, maybe I can slip on that puddle on the bridge there”
Jenna still has not said a single word.
She’s hiding quietly on my left shoulder like she’s Helen Keller and clearly shouldn’t say anything because she’s deaf and dumb.
Then it gets better…
“By Friday Corona is going to hit 7,000 cases.”
This was maybe the second week of quarantine.
I said something like… Aren’t we at 1,000 now?
“Yes but just watch. We are doubling, tripling everyday.”
Ummm were are you getting that information?
You’ll see. This is inside stuff. I’m connected.
I’m fighting so hard to keep my eyes from rolling I have an eye twitch now verging on seizure levels.
I compliment his dog to change the topic and ask about his dog’s personality.
Oh he’s smart alright. So smart. Smartest dog you’ll meet.
Jenna says her first words…
I have this cat…
Yeah my dog is just so smart. Figured out immediately how to wake me up and get what he wants
The cats name is…
And my dog will sit their patiently, waiting to get treats while you are gone. I’m pretty sure he can do tricks too, I haven’t really tried anything yet but I can just tell he’s smarter than everyone’s dogs.
I fall back at this point because my friend duties are fulfilled. Actually Jenna has just maxed out my lifetime favors to her. What I’m saying is she already owes me for the rest of her life for other stuff, but this, this is the final straw. Anything I want, I now can ask for.
Because if this were my date, I would have left already.
But oh wait, it’s not, IT’S JENNA’S THAT BIOTCH.
I pretend I’m tying my shoe so they can move ahead of me and Jenna can go fend off the stunning conversationalist I’ve been dealing with.
Jenna doesn’t move.
She stays glued to my side.
Which leads me to decide tomorrow’s quarantine plans.
Kill JENNA.
I take action.
I spring up.
I begin a speedwalking pace so brisk it can only be described as “I have to pee now, sorry can’t slow down… can’t hold it… actually already peeing so can’t stay and talk “
I can see our turn off just meters ahead.
I feel euphoria rising in my chest.
It’s like when you’ve been waiting for your food at the restaurant for 45 minutes and you can see your waitress picking up your plate to bring to the table and the happiness that fills you is just so wonderful you could cry.
Hey, Brandon, great to meet you this is our stop OKay BYEEEEEE.
I grab Jennas traitorous arm and yank her off the street.
As soon as we are up the stairs, off the trail, and out of earshot
I wave my hands around and yell
YOU EFFING BIOTCH (Insert real swear words)
Ha! you are good.
REAL GOOD.
“Whatttt” she says? Giving me that shit eating grin again.
“I didn’t know he was going to be a catfish!”
Oh, I’m sorry Jenna, you didn’t want to talk to the catfish?
She’s laughing.
Oh poor little Jenna didn’t want to have to talk to the guy she told to meet her out on the trail because SHE’D been flirting with him all week…
Is that right JENNA????
I’m looking at her like, is this how the other half lives?
The other half of people who when something doesn’t go their way think
“Ohhh I don’t really like what’s happening… hey friend, friend, I’ll just leave this here for you …
She’s laughing harder now.
I’m just waiting for the next TRAP.
“Oh hey Diana thanks for meeting for dinner… btw one of the guys I met online is coming too.. Oh look that’s him…OH MY GOD IT’S A CATFISH!!
“Mark this is Diana… “
“You guys catch up I’m going to run to the bathroom…”
You just really can’t trust single people nowadays.
Am I right?
Looking back… there’s only one thing that could have saved us back there since obviously Jenna wasn’t saving ANYBODY.
And if I hadn’t been so stunned by Jenna’s non action, my brain cells might have done me a solid and actually come up with a way out in the moment.
Here’s the only line we really needed to say before taking off into the run we should have taken the first time.
Hi… Brandon! So glad to see you out here. We didn’t realize it was going to be so busy out here and we really want to follow the rules so sorry but SIX FEET OF DISTANCE! Still looking forward to tomorrow though.
Text you later.
BYEEEEE
That was my moment and I blew it.
The only time I’d ever really think…
THANK GOD FOR SIX FEET Of SOCIAL DISTANCE.
Can’t stop bloating??
Check out the surprising reason in my new video.
If you can get past the slower beginning (first time video maker over here!)…
There’s some good info for all my fellow bloaters.
P.S. Don’t Ana and I look great in that thumbnail?!
Thanks to Matt at Three Walls and a BLP podcast for the idea and photo editing.
The only thing I heard was the shutter of the photographer’s camera.
I looked out into the massive auditorium, I was in awe.
6,864 seats.
Empty.
Just 48 hours before more than 250,000 people were expected to attend the Arnold.
And today there were none.
In total there were 700 amateur competitors hitting the stage.
Some who had trained for years for this moment.
Friends and family waited at hotels nearby or across the street at bars, watching the event on Youtube.
It was surreal.
I remember when I found out they were shutting the expo down to spectators.
I looked at my phone and thought …
This has to be a joke.
I checked my email immediately.
No emails. No missed calls.
Nothing but an Instagram post that said
“The Arnold is canceled”
After discussions between the Ohio governor, Columbus Mayor, and Arnold himself, they chose not to risk bringing such a large gathering together during the Corona virus outbreak.
Thousands of spectators canceled their travel plans.
“I lost $1,000 overnight,” Helen a bodybuilding spectator from Canada posted on the gram.
“This is normally a huge party week for us,” a patron at Marcella’s, an Italian restaurant in Short North near the convention center, told me the night after I competed.
“I can’t believe I can get a table tonight. Normally I’d never drive down here during the Arnold, but it’s a ghost town.”
Because it was dead, check-in was a breeze.
Despite more than 150 bikini competitors competing, we were the only ones at the judges’ desk Wednesday when we checked in.
We had to take our pants off!
During check-in the judges asked us to remove our pants, bend over and show them our bikini bottoms.
This was a new one for me.
We hadn’t even brought our suits.
We ran back to our Airbnb and grabbed them.
We put the suits on at the convention center, ran up to the judges’ table and then bent over so they could see if our suits covered enough of our butts.
I assume because we have close-ups live streamed on youtube, they wanted to keep things appropriate for TV.
Amature Prejudging
Ana and I want to get our pro cards this year.
So we decided we’d compete at the first show of the year you could go pro at:
The Arnold.
This was for four reasons:
- It would give us a kick in the pants to start dieting for the rest of the season.
- It was a chance for me to meet and talk with Paul Revelia of Pro Physique about coaching me.
- The Expo! We wanted to watch weightlifting, Olympic lifting, and hit all the supplement and training booths, and
- Finally, we’d get a realistic idea of how we compared to the pro competitors. Competing is all just practice and improvement at the end of the day!
The Preparation
“Anything that can go wrong will.”
Murphy’s famous law struck hard.
I started prepping in December.
I immediately started dropping weight.
But over New Year’s I lost motivation.
I just wasn’t feeling it in the gym or with my diet.
I wasn’t putting in the work.
Instead, I did just enough to maintain my current weight.
I hired Olympian Casey Samsel for three sessions to fine-tune my posing routine. (I’m still working with her to keep improving based on how I did at the Arnold).
Then I went to Guatemala and damaged ligaments in my right-hand making training harder.
Even so, with two weeks to go, I finally started to get it together.
By the time The Arnold came around, I was still 10 lbs above a winning stage weight.
Did I quit? Did I chicken out?
Heck no!
I made a promise to myself to get onstage and that’s what I did.
I also didn’t do anything crazy right before to try and make up lost time.
This is a long game for me and I had a lot of things to practice on stage that day besides just being lean enough.
I had a new posing routine. And this was the first time Ana and I were doing our own hair, makeup, and tan.
I felt relaxed and at ease the day I competed
Hair and makeup packages at the Arnold cost $500. Tanning usually costs $150 plus. But you can easily do it yourself.
We ordered a ProTan kit and checked it in our luggage for our tan. I would not recommend doing this alone. Definitely have a friend or significant other help you. While it’s fast with two people, it’s completely frustrating on your own. Especially if you lack the shoulder mobility to rub tan around your back.
For the makeup, you just need Matte foundations in your normal color and then the darkest color you can get to blend into your normal foundation.
That way you can match your body tan to your face.
You also need big, full lashes. But besides that, the makeup is pretty simple. Some liquid glitter eyeshadow and dark brown colors. Some rose-colored lipstick, concealer, and eyebrow pencil. Viola, that’s the basics.
For hair, the judges definitely preferred a soft curl for the bikini division. We straightened ours but for the next show will be curling it.
After our makeup and hair, we put on the topcoat for our tan and headed to the competitor’s meeting.
Everyone was just chilling out on the floor taking it easy.
After the meeting, we went backstage and waited… and waited… and waited.
We made some new friends and goofed around a little bit.
Even with three dressing rooms and a full pump up area, there were way more competitors than space for everyone.
We started pre-judging at noon and finished at about 5:30 pm.
Everyone seemed to have nerves.
Several first-timers were anxiously calling their coaches asking what to do.
I can’t tell you how many times women asked me “Do I look okay?”
Despite their nerves, everyone handled their posing really well. All the competitors looked gorgeous and performed well on stage.
I felt proud to see so many women going out of their comfort zone to be there that day.
Hay’s in the barn
Really, on show day, you are either ready or you aren’t.
Either your posing is practiced and you’re lean enough and prepared or you aren’t.
That should give you the confidence to just go out there and perform.
When you are called for your class (Class E in my case based on my height) you line up near the dressing rooms and then an expeditor takes you to the stage where they tell you when to go on and in what order to perform your routine.
The coolest part of The Arnold is being live streamed all across the country.
I got to watch Ana on the big screen while the expeditors called out the next group of competitors.
She looked beautiful!
She’d lost 22lbs since the Fourth of July 2019.
Getting to show off your hard work on one of the best stages in the world is a gret reason to compete at The Arnold. The stage and setup is the best of the best. You will also get photos taken in great lighting and by some of the top photographers out there.
Finally, the results are out
Both Ana and I placed in the middle of the pack.
We didn’t have the conditioning (Read: We weren’t lean enough) to make top 10, but we did enough right with our posing and makeup to not be at the bottom).
Once we got the go-ahead to leave the show, we started thinking about food.
Because I hadn’t been dieting hard, I wasn’t depleted enough to have massive cravings.
So much goes on at a show, I barely even thought to eat.
By the time the day was done, my tummy was rumbling.
Marcella’s Short North
First, we grabbed caffeine.
Ana missed her coffee.
She got a flat white with coconut milk and I got a flat white with Almond milk. Starbucks continued it’s strong “name misspelling” game.
Then we headed to Marcella’s. A lively Italian Restaurant in Short North bursting with Gluten-Free options for celiacs like me.
Ana and I split the Melted Pecorini Cheese with honey and apples for an appetizer.
Then we moved onto the Mushroom and Truffle Oil Pizza and the famous Fettuccini and Softball Sized Veal Meat Ball.
All foods were prepared gluten-free.
I could not be more impressed the pizza crust was fluffy yet firm and the Veal Meatball was the highlight.
Bake Me Happy – An Incredible Gluten-Free Find in German Village
Friday morning we hoofed it to a highly recommended Gluten Free Bakery.
Unfortunately, it was cold and windy, snowing on us a couple of times during our 40 plus minute walk.
But when you’re committed to a morning of gluttony like us, you have to also be committed to lots of movement.
Walking just feels good, so we do as much of it as we can when we are out on an eating adventure.
At the bakery, we tried some of everything.
The beer cheese scones and mac and cheese pop tarts were soft and flaky with a delicious buttery flavor.
I’ve never tasted anything like it before.
The muffin donut was also amaze balls.
By the time Saturday rolled around we’d walked about seven miles a day and sampled so many new foods my tummy wanted to burst.
Ana and I met my friend Bret for the IFBB bodybuilding prejudging.
His girlfriend Jen Ronzitti was competing and ended up taking 6th place. What a huge accomplishment!
Walking into events seeing no spectators was more than weird.
We were able to get around using our competitor badge…except for powerlifting at the cage. Despite being athletes, the three women on Security duty Saturday refused to let us in to cheer on the other athletes.
Besides those kinds of miscommunications and the stress the organizers were under, the competitions still ran smoothly.
We also had breakfast at Tasi Cafe and Northstar Cafe in Short North. Both simple but good menus. Northstar was a newer more modern dining place and Tasi was a cute cafe with picnic benches inside and a simple breakfast menu including juices and french omelets.
Bare Burger was our other favorite food spot. Great make-your-own burger combos, sweet potato fries, and a cool vibe for eating.
We spent a half-day checking out Ohio State and even ate some Buckeye candy which is a peanut butter treat dipped in chocolate. Yum!
We checked out L.A. Fitness and a few more places in Columbus, but I put most of the good stuff here.
That’s a wrap for the Arnold 2020.
We will probably never experience competing under quieter more chill circumstances.
Looking forward to seeing the full craziness next year.
Oh yeah, and we did get to touch Arnold’s butt 😉 (not pictured).
If you’re interested in what it really takes to transform your body, check out my new book: Three Weeks To Thin: The Emergency Fat Loss Diet